Good Mo(u)rning.

January 26, 2017

 

Good Mo(u)rning.

 

 

Matthew 5:4 – You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the one who loves you the most.

 

Confession Time: I hated bed time when I was a child. I was just immediately filled with a sadness. Like this horrific dread would descend on me (Dramatic much?) and I would have to fight back tears knowing I would be put in bed for another night. You’re probably thinking, ‘But Deborah, why was it that deep? Why did you approach bedtime like you were being lead to torture?’ The answer good people, is that I felt like the night time lasted SO FLAMING LONG. From getting dressed for bed, to cleaning my teeth, then getting into bed, and waiting to fall asleep. The process was all too much for me. The night lasted too long, and I felt like I had to go through an awful lot to get ready for an outcome that I was not okay with.

 

Forgive my analogy, it’s just me venting, however I feel that a lot of us that are facing loss, and mourning, are walking through the night too. Pain is relative, it could be a whole host of different things. Maybe you’re mourning a loved one, or you lost your job. Perhaps your business went under, or you took a leap of faith that you feel didn’t pan out the way it should have. In my opinion, you can mourn any one of those things. In 2012 I lost someone very dear to me, like myself he was only 17. We would talk frequently about what our plans were, what universities we would go to, what cars we would drive! And then to receive news that he had been killed, shook me to my core, it’s hard to explain just what goes on in your head, and your heart. I know many of you reading will understand.

 

But without doubt, the most difficult part of walking through the loss of someone so close to me, wasn’t the crying and wasn’t even the pain, that all fades eventually. It was the darkness that took the longest to leave. The darkens that was brought on by the ‘what now?’, the ‘what next?’ and the ‘why did this happen?’. That is what I couldn’t seem to shift. I felt in the dark about everything. But most worryingly? I felt in the dark with God. Why would he allow me to feel this pain? Everything I knew about him was thrown into this darkness. I didn’t feel love, I didn’t feel peace. I couldn’t feel this hope that is talked about so much, my heart hurt, and I couldn’t see the one who promised to heal me.

 

And can I just say? There is nothing wrong with feeling that way. You have every right to. Do not be rushed through your grief, whatever you are grieving for. You will need time. Five years on, and I still think of the friend I lost with great sadness, it would be inhuman not to. But how do you escape the night of a loss? How do you shake the feeling that the darkness will never go away? How do you become reconciled with a God that you believed loved you too much to let you go through this’? How do you get from your Mourning to the Morning? Simply by removing the (YO)U.

 

I know it’s painful, and I know it hurts, but if you can just remove your focus from the pain you’re feeling, if you can just switch your question from why it happened TO you? To how it happened FOR you, and you’ll slowly start to see your Mourning turn the Morning. Matthew 5:4 says - You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the one who loves you the most. To agree with this scripture can only mean you have taken the U out of your mourning.  It means that you have looked above the only one who can bring you through the night and into the morning. No matter how disillusioned with Him you are.

 

It’s so hard, I know it is. But if you can find it in you to do this, you will feel a comfort that you didn’t know possible, and a peace that you could never see yourself having.

 

 

You’ve got this.

 

 

I love you.

 

 

Agape x 

 

 

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© 2019 by Deborah Newbould for Agape Generation UK.